Just don't

I have decided to just not. To stop. To just not do it. No more Nike.

You may be wondering how I got here - insert rewind bllrrppp noise -

I've had meltdowns for as long as I can remember. I've struggled with life and feeling normal for as long as I can remember. It's only been in the last couple of years that I've started to understand why, when I started looking at my life through the autism lens. I've noticed the patterns, considered how my childhood affects my current responses, and am learning the language and how to communicate what is happening and what accommodations can help me. I understand now that I'm not crazy, which is how I have always felt, but this new clarity still leaves me feeling broken.

The feeling of being broken has me always on the hunt for how I can fix myself. What new coping skill can I learn? What new healthy behavior can I adopt? What new calendar can I use? What new routine can I implement? How can I change who I am so that I can fit in, feel normal, accomplish all the things, and suddenly have the executive functioning to keep up with the masking that has gotten me into the life and career that I am in? It's overwhelming, especially for an over-thinker like me.

And so, in the midst of my latest meltdown, I decided to stop trying to be a better, new, different, improved, etc. person for at least a year. I am going to just be. Exist. Give myself the freedom to be whoever I already am without trying to change anything about me. No goals for being better or accomplishing more. Now, I do still have some things to accomplish like my action research, getting this degree, finishing the crochet project, making art for fun, and doing a deep dive study of the yamas and niyamas. None of those things is for the sake of trying to change myself, though. Throughout this year of just being, I am going to notice and observe and probably journal because it's something I like to do to get the thoughts out of my brain.

Perhaps I'll post updates throughout, when my observations result in some sort of ah-ha moment. For now, I'm just going to be.